As some of you may know, about 2 months ago I traded my monotonous East Coast life for the adventure of a lifetime in California with Americorps NCCC, FEMA Corps. I bid farewell to my mom, sister, grandparents and friends knowing full well that my way of life would be forever changed upon boarding a plane to what I saw as freedom. I knew that when I eventually went home things wouldn’t be the same. And although the thought of that scared me more than most things I have ever encountered only one thought scared me even more. I wouldn’t be the same either.
Before heading out to the Golden Coast, I had lunch with a very new, but very dear friend of mine. After only knowing each other a few months, from serving beers at basketball games together, she ended up being one of the biggest supporters of my upcoming adventure and lent me some knowledge she picked up during her tour in the military.
(Note: I in no way can compare my time in AmeriCorps to her time in the Army. It is in no way the same thing. So I appreciate this advice and admire this friend even more for even granting me a comparison.)
Anyway, she told me that the hardest part of my trip is going to be realizing that there is a good chance some of the people I am leaving behind may not be there when I get back. My relationships with people I love and care about the most may either be completely different or even nonexistent. And within the first two months of my trip, I have learned that my friend was painfully correct.
It is amazing what watching your life change from 3,000 miles away can do to a person. Feelings of resentment, anger and disappointment swirl around the realization that people you thought you relied on so strongly could just move on so quickly without you. The confusion of how relationships you were staking everything on could essentially evaporate right before your eyes. But what is even more confusing… is the feeling of relief.
It is one thing to feel sad about the end of a relationship. It is natural to miss the better days filled with endless, stupid jokes that no one would find funny but you. It is normal to think about all the times you just wanted to be factored into someone’s life in even the slightest way and thinking that one day everything would turn out right. But what isn’t super normal, at least for me anyway, is coming to terms that those better days have long passed and the life you hoped for is never going to happen.
Within the last few years I have found myself feeling lost in so many relationships that I couldn't even find me anymore. I was always trying to make everyone else happy that I forgot what actually made me happy. Even the simplest decisions, including everything from “Should I watch another episode without them?” to “How much shit will they talk if I dye my hair this color?” ate away at my every fiber until I pretty much had nothing left. I even avoided suggesting music choices during car rides, pre games or whatever out of fear that the thing that made me feel the most like myself would be rejected. Yet I held on to these relationships so hard because I felt that if they were gone, I really would have nothing. I would be nothing.
I can’t say that I don’t feel that way from time to time, even as I see these relationships fade off into the distance. Even getting an ear piercing last week felt like I was deciding on buying a 5 bedroom home without the approval of those I usually seek it from. But knowing that I have the chance to think and feel for myself, for the first time in a long time, was worth the sappy feelings that came with it.
So what happens when you find out the people you thought you could entrust your entire being to turn out to not be so trustworthy after all? You learn the art of trusting strangers.
I know that at our age the idea of making new friends seems either pointless or just downright impossible. Making friends isn’t like it used to be. I met one of my best friends on earth on the first day of kindergarten because we realized that we both liked Blue’s Clues. But at 24, it isn’t so simple. Everyone has such hidden inhibitions or such deep seeded trust issues that they become an entirely different person just so they can fit the criteria of what they think other people want. This may not be the case for all, but I know my own life is filled with such cynicism that a simple smile can be taken as “why the hell did she just smile at me?”
But the truth is that without letting yourself trust some of the strangers that come into your life, you may never get to feel what the true meaning of trust is. And on the first day of my new life in Americorps, I realized I had to make a choice. I could stay the same scared and desperate person I had turned into. Or I could take a deep breath, and trust these strangers that were coming into my life.
I thankfully made the right choice because within the past 2 months I have met strangers that I don’t deserve to have in my life. These strangers have helped me remember what it even feels like to be Kate Schwartz. They reminded me of qualities I had completely forgotten I had. I don’t want to speak for these strangers, but it seems that each of our own personal broken lives have somehow become the missing pieces we all needed. If I hadn’t decided to be more trusting of the strangers around me I wouldn’t have the previously mentioned ear piercing. I wouldn’t currently be sitting in a hotel room trying to fish out the broken nacho pieces a stranger and I had spilled into our laundry. If I hadn’t learned to be more trusting, I would never have met the person that inspired this blog entry. I would still be the scared and desperate person I slowly grew to hate. The person I couldn’t even stand to look at in the mirror.
So within such a short time I have already come to terms with some of the biggest fears I had about moving away from home. The people I left behind are different. They have moved on to new lives, new cities and new opportunities. But I am not the same either. And I am, for the first time in a while, not disgusted with the person I am. It is hard to believe I was afraid of what ended up bringing me such peace.
Now I realize that being more trusting does not always result in the life I am currently leading. Being more trusting can also lead to a lot of misguided decisions and what feels like a lot of unfulfilled futures. But you will never even be able to imagine what a fulfilled future looks like if it is filled with people that turn you into a person you can’t stand the sight of. Just because you’re a grown up doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there you can find a connection with and start fresh with. You don’t have to settle with the thought of eternal unhappiness just because you are afraid of what you may encounter on the road to true happiness. Trust truly is an art. And I hope that with this coming of age, I will learn to leave behind those impeding the future that really is meant to be. And that this art of trust is an art I will come to master.
Shout out to Ms. Kelsey Paton for reminding me how much I like this song and how fitting it is for this entry.
Before heading out to the Golden Coast, I had lunch with a very new, but very dear friend of mine. After only knowing each other a few months, from serving beers at basketball games together, she ended up being one of the biggest supporters of my upcoming adventure and lent me some knowledge she picked up during her tour in the military.
(Note: I in no way can compare my time in AmeriCorps to her time in the Army. It is in no way the same thing. So I appreciate this advice and admire this friend even more for even granting me a comparison.)
Anyway, she told me that the hardest part of my trip is going to be realizing that there is a good chance some of the people I am leaving behind may not be there when I get back. My relationships with people I love and care about the most may either be completely different or even nonexistent. And within the first two months of my trip, I have learned that my friend was painfully correct.
It is amazing what watching your life change from 3,000 miles away can do to a person. Feelings of resentment, anger and disappointment swirl around the realization that people you thought you relied on so strongly could just move on so quickly without you. The confusion of how relationships you were staking everything on could essentially evaporate right before your eyes. But what is even more confusing… is the feeling of relief.
It is one thing to feel sad about the end of a relationship. It is natural to miss the better days filled with endless, stupid jokes that no one would find funny but you. It is normal to think about all the times you just wanted to be factored into someone’s life in even the slightest way and thinking that one day everything would turn out right. But what isn’t super normal, at least for me anyway, is coming to terms that those better days have long passed and the life you hoped for is never going to happen.
Within the last few years I have found myself feeling lost in so many relationships that I couldn't even find me anymore. I was always trying to make everyone else happy that I forgot what actually made me happy. Even the simplest decisions, including everything from “Should I watch another episode without them?” to “How much shit will they talk if I dye my hair this color?” ate away at my every fiber until I pretty much had nothing left. I even avoided suggesting music choices during car rides, pre games or whatever out of fear that the thing that made me feel the most like myself would be rejected. Yet I held on to these relationships so hard because I felt that if they were gone, I really would have nothing. I would be nothing.
I can’t say that I don’t feel that way from time to time, even as I see these relationships fade off into the distance. Even getting an ear piercing last week felt like I was deciding on buying a 5 bedroom home without the approval of those I usually seek it from. But knowing that I have the chance to think and feel for myself, for the first time in a long time, was worth the sappy feelings that came with it.
So what happens when you find out the people you thought you could entrust your entire being to turn out to not be so trustworthy after all? You learn the art of trusting strangers.
I know that at our age the idea of making new friends seems either pointless or just downright impossible. Making friends isn’t like it used to be. I met one of my best friends on earth on the first day of kindergarten because we realized that we both liked Blue’s Clues. But at 24, it isn’t so simple. Everyone has such hidden inhibitions or such deep seeded trust issues that they become an entirely different person just so they can fit the criteria of what they think other people want. This may not be the case for all, but I know my own life is filled with such cynicism that a simple smile can be taken as “why the hell did she just smile at me?”
But the truth is that without letting yourself trust some of the strangers that come into your life, you may never get to feel what the true meaning of trust is. And on the first day of my new life in Americorps, I realized I had to make a choice. I could stay the same scared and desperate person I had turned into. Or I could take a deep breath, and trust these strangers that were coming into my life.
I thankfully made the right choice because within the past 2 months I have met strangers that I don’t deserve to have in my life. These strangers have helped me remember what it even feels like to be Kate Schwartz. They reminded me of qualities I had completely forgotten I had. I don’t want to speak for these strangers, but it seems that each of our own personal broken lives have somehow become the missing pieces we all needed. If I hadn’t decided to be more trusting of the strangers around me I wouldn’t have the previously mentioned ear piercing. I wouldn’t currently be sitting in a hotel room trying to fish out the broken nacho pieces a stranger and I had spilled into our laundry. If I hadn’t learned to be more trusting, I would never have met the person that inspired this blog entry. I would still be the scared and desperate person I slowly grew to hate. The person I couldn’t even stand to look at in the mirror.
So within such a short time I have already come to terms with some of the biggest fears I had about moving away from home. The people I left behind are different. They have moved on to new lives, new cities and new opportunities. But I am not the same either. And I am, for the first time in a while, not disgusted with the person I am. It is hard to believe I was afraid of what ended up bringing me such peace.
Now I realize that being more trusting does not always result in the life I am currently leading. Being more trusting can also lead to a lot of misguided decisions and what feels like a lot of unfulfilled futures. But you will never even be able to imagine what a fulfilled future looks like if it is filled with people that turn you into a person you can’t stand the sight of. Just because you’re a grown up doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there you can find a connection with and start fresh with. You don’t have to settle with the thought of eternal unhappiness just because you are afraid of what you may encounter on the road to true happiness. Trust truly is an art. And I hope that with this coming of age, I will learn to leave behind those impeding the future that really is meant to be. And that this art of trust is an art I will come to master.
Shout out to Ms. Kelsey Paton for reminding me how much I like this song and how fitting it is for this entry.
