schwartz story
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Published Work

The World is Weird and so am I 

3/9/2017

1 Comment

 

Is there something going on in the world right now? I don’t mean environmentally. I don’t mean politically. I mean is something legitimately up? The fact that I am posting one of these things for the first time in almost a year is a pretty good indicator that the earth may actually be slightly off its axis.  
I feel like within the last week or two, almost every person I’ve come in contact with has said that they are feeling out of sync or off their game or can’t seem to get in the zone. Whether it is with work or school or friends or love or whatever, everyone kind of seems to be losing it. Right?

I don’t mean that everyone is actually going insane. I mean that everyone seems to just not be themselves or be able to go through their normal routines. Or have been having the most uncomfortable encounters and situations.

Example: The other day at work, I had to turn in money as I do at the end of every game. Every single game for the last 3 years I have handed in an envelope with $60 in it for my “bank.” I swear it took me about 45 minutes and 15 tries to simply count to 60.

You know. That kind of stuff.

I know of multiple people that have run into ex boyfriend/ girlfriends’ now significant others. I have had my own weird encounters with exes as well this week.

I know of people showing up to work when they weren’t scheduled because they genuinely didn’t know what day it was.

I watched people that have worked at my company for 20+ years get confused as to where they were walking in the building.

I’ve heard from people I haven’t seen in years. People I hoped to forget about. And people I thought forgot about me.

People I normally talk to every day feel farther away than ever. There was a time that I was thousands of miles away, on the other side of the country and things didn’t feel this distant.

Even the weather is losing its shit. What season is it again?

I know it isn’t, and it’s not that I even believe in that kind of stuff but is mercury in retrograde or something? Is there one freakishly long full moon right now? If anyone has any insight I would really appreciate them sharing that with me.

It’s almost like everyone I know is slightly disconnected from reality. Nothing is going horribly wrong. But nothing feels quite right either. Work doesn’t feel like work. Friends don’t feel like friends. Everything is off.

So what are mere mortals like ourselves supposed to do when the world decides to work against us?
The answer to that one my friends… I genuinely don’t know. I usually jump on this thing hoping to share some of the wisdom I pulled out of my butt earlier that day. So ill take a quick stab at it.

Things have clearly been worse right? Like I know things in my life are less than ideal right now but a good amount of deep breaths and inappropriate jokes usually get me through times like this. One phrase I have heard and used recently is that “everything is temporary.” I used to really hate that saying but I guess it really is true. I always really hated the idea that good things are temporary. But I guess it is a good thing that bad things are temporary too. Bad times will pass. Bad vibes will dissipate. The earth keeps spinning whether it is on its normal axis or not.

I hope that made sense. As previously stated, I haven’t posted one of these things in almost a year so I am a little rusty. I think rather than impose on your lives with my so called “wisdom” this time I’ll just use this as a PSA. To anyone else out there that is feeling the constant question of “What the eff is happening?” that I and many others are feeling it too.
​
Deep Breaths. Inappropriate jokes. We are all in this together.
 
 
To my dude: Thank you for so thoughtfully telling me to “suckabutt and post one already.” You were right. And now I’m telling people about it on the internet. This one's for you. 

1 Comment

Thanks for a rad 364 days. 

4/6/2016

1 Comment

 
PictureMyself and said roommates spending our day outside of a prison.
Well kids, it’s finally that time. Time for Exploring 24 to come to an end.
But not because I’m going to stop posting. It’s because I’m turning 25 tomorrow! I’ve done all the exploring of 24 that time will allow me. And I have to say, I am much more pleased with what I found than I ever would have imagined.
​
I can’t believe it was a whole year ago that I started this thing. While sitting in the disgusting hotel room I had to call home for 3 weeks, I had my roommates try out a new home health trick called “oil pulling” (where you swish coconut, sunflower, peanut oil around your mouth for 20 whole minutes). Partially because I think it really does give you whiter teeth and help with joint pain. But mostly because I knew that meant they had to be quiet for 20 minutes and I could concentrate on posting this. Sneaky and selfish, I know.

But it really feels like the last year of my life was a dream. Of course with any dream there are moments that are so confusing and frustrating it seems like a nightmare. But overall, it was more like a dream where when you wake up you think, “Damn, I kind of wish I slept just a few more minutes.” Especially my FEMA Life. Over the last week I was able to meet up with a member of my FEMAfam and we couldn’t help but compare our time in AmeriCorps to being stuck on the island from LOST. Meaning, none of it made any sense… but we’re glad we watched it. And glad we had each other to help piece together where the smoke monster and roaming polar bears came into play.
I learned a lot about myself over the past year and what it really means to be in my mid twenties.

1) Being 24 feels a lot like being 20. You’re sort of in between being able to be a young, sassy teenager where people can excuse your life choices by simply saying “Oh, she’s just a teenager.” And you’re also not old enough to experience all the more adult things that are just a short year away. However in being 24, it’s more that you feel a little weird when you want to go to bed at 10:30 when a few short years ago you were still doing your makeup and taking shots before going to a frat party. And rather than the cool adult things being that you’re able to legally drink, it’s that your car insurance is about to go down, and that you can rent another car without being raped by underage fees.

2) You’re not alone in feeling older than you are. A few weeks after returning home from AmeriCorps, I was visiting with 2 sorority friends when we realized we had spent 15 whole minutes talking about the new plates they had just purchased. That’s right, plates. It was then that the perpetual “What happened to us?” rang proud and true. We then spent our Friday night letting my one friend practice taking our blood pressure for school and giving us free scoliosis tests. Good news, I am scoliosis free!

3) People start to question you about your future more than you ever possibly imagined. Seriously. Not that I am not absolutely thrilled for all of my friends that are getting engaged, getting married, having children and buying houses…  all of whom are excellent human beings and deserve every happiness in the world. But Holy Crap, not everyone is quite on that level of stability. If one more person asks me if I am in a relationship or getting engaged soon, I might pass out. Even my doctor recently asked me, “Well, would it really be the worst thing in the world f you were pregnant. I mean, you are 24.”

To be fair, she doesn’t know that I spend most of my days watching Sponge bob or that I often have to decide between getting gas and getting a haircut because it isn’t my pay week. But seriously, what does being 24 have to do with that? I simply replied, “Well. It certainly wouldn’t be ideal.” So to all my friends that are making those huge leaps in life, congratulations! Being totally serious, I love weddings and showers and such so I am extremely grateful I now have some to go to for people that I really care about.

But for the people that aren’t quite there yet here’s a helpful tip. When someone asks me about marriage, I usually try to work the phrase “Daddy Issues” somewhere into the conversation. Even if you don't have those, it makes people very uncomfortable and usually keeps them at bay for awhile.

4) And lastly, I learned a lot about how although things don’t always work out the way you planned, it is totally and completely up to you how you handle them. I used to be a firm believer in karma. And sure I guess I still am. But you could be the best person on the face of the planet, never have had a selfish thought ever enter your brain… that doesn’t mean you are exempt from the universe and some of the people in it taking a giant dump on you. The only thing you can do is allow yourself a short freak out, because I genuinely think that helps. As my mom often says, when something goes wrong, you should allow yourself ONE, really good, snotty, makeup running cry. And then it’s time to grow up and figure out what you’re going to do about it. You have to make a plan for how to make it better. Sitting and wallowing in your own self pity is only going to lead to one thing… You’re going to have a lot of snot and runny make up on your hands. And no one wants that.

My entire year of being 23 sort of felt like one big cry fest. But this last year I learned the power of surrounding yourself with the right people, staying focused on your goals (no matter how big or small) and learning to take one day at a time. Life is scary and hard and confusing at any age. While waiting in the airport last week, I had the pleasure of meeting a 15 year old that was also named Kate. She was a high school freshman, a cheerleader and dancer, and had one older sister and lived with her mom. So as you can imagine I really connected with her. I felt like I was talking to myself from the past. But hearing her talk about her life was seriously eye opening. I didn’t discredit a single one of her concerns because I remember thinking that similar things in my own at that age were absolutely WORLD ENDING.  But I was so happy that I was able to confidently tell her, that in 10 years, she is going to look back at all of those things and giggle. Because life only does one thing… it goes on. And you have to do anything you can to make the most of it.

So as I say goodbye to what has truly been one of the raddest years of my life, I hope to take with me everything I learned and even more hope that I passed on any advice/ fake wisdom to some of you.  I want to once again thank all of the people that read and shared my story, every “page view” I had on my Weebly account page filled me with more joy than you can possibly imagine. Stay tuned for the updated version of this blog that will hence worth be known as “Schwartz Story.” Where you will be able to read about all the sticky situations I regularly find myself in and refer to as my “Adult Lizzie McGuire moments.”

And just one more special thanks to my family and friends for being the best support system a girl could ask for. I experienced a lot of changes this year and I couldn’t have gotten through it all, let alone happily, without you.

Peace out, 24. Thank you for being everything I hoped for and needed you to be.

25, lets’ do this. 


1 Comment

Just a little light bathroom reading...

2/4/2016

0 Comments

 

Hey friends,
So as you all may have noticed, I really am the worst blogger ever. But considering I was just out attempting to save the world and then returned to having 2 part time jobs and a million other obligations, I know you all understand that posting hasn’t been my top priority since returning home.
 
Anyway, in the 2+ months that I have been back on the east coast things have somewhat gone exactly the way I thought they would. I went back to my part time job at the Wells Fargo Center as a court side server for the Philadelphia 76ers. I spend the hectic holiday season with my very large family, discussing topics such global warming not existing and how to get rid of the cats that are currently residing in my sister’s back yard.
 
I caught up with friends that I missed desperately. I dabbled in my passed long term relationship that I knew would inevitably crash and burn and of course… it did without fail. I ran into people that I was stoked to see and I ran into people that I sort of hoped to never see again for the rest of my life. I ate way too much. I drank way too much. The essentials of a normal homecoming (As if I didn’t do that when I was home all the time).
 
But lucky enough I actually had some unexpected occurrences upon arriving in the city of brotherly love. As you probably read in my other posts, I was stressed to the max about finding a job. Well the day after graduating from AmeriCorps I actually received 2 separate job offers. One working at the University of Pennsylvania and the other at QVC (yes, the channel that convinces your mom/ aunt/ grandmom to buy a bunch of stuff they probably don’t need). So an ivy league offer and finally an offer in production wasn’t bad to come back too. I took the position at QVC as it is actually in the field I went to school for, something I really thought was never going to happen.
 
I was able to reconnect with some friends that I was convinced I had forced out of my life forever. Funny how a couple drinks, some bad karaoke and an unexpected hangover can make you forget all the awkwardness that should have been felt in a situation. I’ve been able to keep in contact with my FEMA friends and family more than I even expected, making this transition back into real life much, much easier. And I have even been able to keep some of the most terrifying thoughts and all the “Now What’s” I had about coming home at bay. Shocking I know. I have been going with the flow for what feels like the first time in my life.
 
But the most surprising thing i think i have experienced since being home, is the amount of people that have asked me, "Hey, are you going to post another blog soon?" 
 
Seriously. I mean, I knew that some of you guys check in with me from time to time, but to hear that people were actually hoping for more is a pretty unreal feeling. During one of my first weekends back i was told by a friend i had not seen in years, "Hey i was kind of disappointed that you don't really post on your blog anymore. It was something nice to read while i was on the toilet"
 
Charming right? Needless to say that is where the title for this post comes from. 
 
But it really was nice to hear that people not only checked in regularly but actually cared about what I had to say. I had a few people tell me how they could really relate to the trials and tribulations I was facing throughout this year.
 
I have even had a number of incoming FEMA Corps members reach out to me with questions about the serious life journey they are about to begin
 
(Author’s note: If you are one of said corps members, please feel free to DM me and keep the questions coming, my twitter and Insta handle are located in numerous spots throughout this site. You’re about to start one hell of a ride so I’d be happy to clear some things up for you.)
 
Anyway, I think the point of this post is that I really can’t thank people enough for supporting, reading, sharing the weird thoughts that have come out of my head over the past few months. I am so happy to know that I was able to reach even at least one person let alone many. And I am so grateful at even the chance that I may have been able to reach someone on a deeper level that maybe needed a laugh or needed to know that they’re not going through these stupid mid 20s years alone. Because to be completely honest, having people read and share made me feel not so alone either.
 
I always thought starting one of these was the dumbest, cheesiest thing I could ever do. But after the year I just had the one thing I think I learned was that you won’t know if something is actually dumb and cheesy unless you give it a try first. Sure the idea might crash and burn but at least you will relief yourself of some shoulda, coulda wouldas. And if you surround yourself with the right people, the crash and burn probably won’t hurt as much anyway.
 
Just in the last year I was able to accomplish so many things that I would have never imagined myself doing, (got a tattoo, got my ear pierced, went cliff jumping, climbed the roof of very tall building while slightly intoxicated, went to a motorcycle rally, learned the handshake from the parent trap and even went to a service of a religion that wasn’t my own) because I had the support of the people around me.
 
And that support really does include the readers of Exploring 24. Even though I haven’t been the most avid poster, it has become an important part of my life and I have all of you to thank for that. I’m glad I was able to keep you entertained on your way to school, distract you from what you should be doing at work and yes… even give you something to read on the toilet.
 
Hopefully now that my life has somewhat calmed, I will be able to update you all more on all the awkwardness that seems to befall my everyday life. I would promise, but you and I both no I am not very good at that. 

0 Comments

Time for the Inevitable "Now What?"

10/27/2015

2 Comments

 

If anyone reading this has talked to me within the last week or so, you probably already have an idea as to how this post is going to start out. That being:
I cannot believe I have less than one month left of AmeriCorps NCCC FEMA Corps.
Almost 9 months of my life seem to have come and gone in what feels like the blink of an eye. I remember sitting in my very first AmeriCorps meeting being told that this was going to be the longest, shortest year of my entire life. I remember not only feeling extremely intimidated but how confused I was at the thought of that idea.

The longest, shortest year of my life.
​
Well 8 and a half months later, I can very strongly say that this is one of the few things that AmeriCorps told me that turned out to be completely, totally and 100% true. There were times during this year where I sincerely thought I would never lay eyes on Philadelphia again. It felt that I would live out the rest of my days sleeping on a cot or sharing a bed in a church or a dirty hotel room. I was convinced that my ability to drive a vehicle other than a 15 passenger van had completely left my brain. But here I am, getting ready to say goodbye to California, the state I have called home for almost a year, the work that I have given my all too for what feels like forever, and my friends that I can barely imagine my life without. Friends that I mine as well just refer to as my family.

I already feel myself eating my words every time I called home and cried about how much I couldn’t wait for this year to be over. Yes this year may not have been everything that I thought it would be, but in some ways it has been so much more than I ever could have imagined.

More than anything, more than the experiences I gained and the places I got to go, this year gave me the opportunity to get away from all of the things that I was terrified of at home. It gave me a chance to see that there is so much more outside of Northeast Philadelphia that I would never have had the guts to explore otherwise. It has motivated me to keep negative people out of my life and to work towards things that will only better myself in the long run.

But with any major experience, you of course leave feeling like a new person. You have all these new morals. You can’t wait to see what you can do in this new life you have created. But deep down you know that in a few weeks a lot of those ambitions will lose a little bit of their luster. I am well aware that will eventually happen to me. I know that in a few weeks, after life gets back to normal, and I have seen my family and friends, I will probably be sitting on my couch, with my staring at me with the look of “where the hell have you been for the last year?” on her face. And I will utter what may be the most terrifying words known to the entire human race.

Now what?

Of course I have been doing a lot of planning for what we call “Life After Americorps.” But all the planning in the world really cannot prepare you for the feeling of basically being catapulted back into reality.

How do I keep myself even close to as motivated as I have felt within the last 9 months? How do I avoid the emotional landmines scattered across my home town just ready to blow and drag me right back to where I was before I started this process? How do I continue on my journey of personal improvement and stay focused on all the goals I had set for myself?

For the first time in a really long time I won’t be working toward a tangible, defined goal. Over the last few years I was working for my college degree, then working to get a job right out of school, then I was working to find a way out of Philadelphia and then of course toward my education award at the end of my AmeriCorps service. But now, the options are limitless. And although that may not be bad thing, it sure as hell is pretty intimidating.

I guess the only way I can answer those questions is to take a little bit more from what I have learned this year. During some of the most difficult times, the weeks that felt they would never end, the days that I thought would be the day I sent in my resignation I had to remind myself that reaching a goal that I set for myself has never been easy. The thing that I am searching for has never just landed in my lap. I had to take things one day at a time and keep my eyes peeled for the opportunities to make my life what I want it to be.

Before coming to AmeriCorps I was unhappier I had felt in years. It actually may have been the most miserable I have ever been at all. I felt scared and alone and was just wishing for something to come along that would make my life feel even a little bit less pathetic.

But that is not how the world works. I had to work really, really hard, take a ton of huge risks, and even make some really significant personal sacrifices. But if I was able to get away from that time in my life and experience everything I have this year and still make it out in one piece, I know that I can conquer whatever the next chapter of my life has in store.

So yes, I will have that inevitable “Now What” moment, as I am sure many of my Amerifriends will. I will definitely start to feel sad and scared like I was a year ago when I started this whole process. But I also know that coming out of this program, I have the tools and experiences that will motivate me to get my ass off the couch at take control of the life that I want.
​
Life doesn’t just happen. Sure, there are times where luck is a major factor. And yes there may be times where your answer to the “Now What?” and you end up being totally, and utterly incorrect. But in sorting through the many wrong answers and luckily come across the one you have been looking for at all.
 
“Now what?”
 
 
They’re just two little words that will seem a whole lot less scary if you try to answer them at all. 

2 Comments

Now Hiring: Young, Old and Desperate Individuals

9/17/2015

2 Comments

 
I can’t believe I haven’t posted a blog on this thing in almost 4 month. As I have said before, I knew I was going to suck at this, but I am really outdoing myself now. I would say sorry but a good friend of mine told me a few weeks ago how boring it is to read about “Blogger’s Remorse” so I will spare you all my excuses. You can read it or not. I won’t be offended.

Anyway, the last few months have been pretty crazy in the life of this 24 year old. The last time I posted I was on my way down to Austin, TX to help with the Severe Flooding relief. I would without a doubt say that it was one of the crazier experiences of my life. I sat out in a hurricane and registered disaster survivors for FEMA assistance, I sorted through almost 250 survivor cases to make sure those affected were actually getting the help they need, I even wrote a press release that was picked up by the State of Texas and published in newspapers across the state. Yea, I was pretty busy.

But here I am in round 3 of my year in FEMA Corps in San Diego, California. It is hard to believe that within the next 2-3 months my year of service will be over and I will be launched back into reality where I live in a room by myself as opposed to sharing a bed and living with 3 other people. I will be able to drive my small compact car rather than the 15 passenger van I have been maneuvering the country in. I will be able to walk to the store or meet up with a friend without having to tell my roommate and supervisor where I am going, who I will be with, what time I will be back, how I am getting there, what I will be doing, what I am wearing, how I am getting there, what I will be eating, the temperature of the place I will be at…. This is an exaggeration but you get the point. It is going to be weird to be back in a world that isn’t always revolving around other people.

As many of you know, this year hasn’t been all rainbows, glitter and butterflies. We have gone through a lot of trials and tribulations that have made a pretty good amount of my corps mates actually leave the program. But as much as I have complained and stressed even considered leaving myself, there is one single life activity that kept me from jumping off the ledge and staying sage in the AmeriCorps bubble. That activity of course…. Is job hunting.

Job hunting really might be one of the most exhausting and quite honestly daunting processes people of all ages have to go through. Whether you are 19 or 59, picking apart every little job, internship, program activity you have been a part of and then putting it on display in hopes that SOMEONE finds it appealing enough to actually provide you with a salary and maybe, just maybe some benefits is in my opinion one of the more unpleasant tasks we have to perform as so called grownups.

You sit down and take a whack at tweaking your resume about 35 different times. Maybe try a different font? Would this look weird in navy blue rather than black? Is it bad if it goes over a page? Is it bad if it is under a page? Should I use bullets? Should I write in a paragraph? Should I attach a picture of my dog or a funny meme so it catches the potential employers’ attention? There is never a right answer, right?

Then there is the god forsaken cover letter. Do people even read that anymore? A friend and I discussed this last night and we are convinced that employers probably just glance over your resume and hit up your Facebook to see how many poor life choices they can dig up on you and pick the person that seems the least likely to be a liability. Not to mention, everyone knows they have made the mistake at least once where they had a standard letter they always use, send it out to a job they REALLY wanted, only to realize they missed editing one paragraph and sent their resume to “Get Ready to Sell Your Soul, Inc.” instead of “You’ll Be Working Here Until You Die” Enterprises.

After you have basically broken your entire professional life down into 1-2 pages of cheesy descriptions and organized a somewhat informative standard cover letter, you get to head on over to the millions of job searching sites that are sure to leave you in tears by the time your search is over. I know for at least myself and many others in the 24-26 year old range, reading those job descriptions often feels like a reminder of all the opportunities you didn’t take when you were younger.

You can’t get an internship because you’re not in college anymore. But you can’t get a better job because you didn’t pursue a better internship opportunity when the position actually applied to you.  You have enough life experience at this point that you aren’t looking for an Entry Level job and have enough bills and obligations where you will need a higher salary than what is being offered. But then you see that “Must have 3+ years of experience in the field” and think “Jeeze, 3 years ago I was sitting in my boyfriend’s apartment eating Oreos for dinner and wasting 5 hours at a time catching up on The Walking Dead”. Maybe that’s just applicable to me… but you get the point. So then you have to apply for the entry level positions and hope to god that you don’t end up working for some younger, pompous know it all who thinks sailing on their daddy’s boat gave them the life experience they need to excel in anything work could throw at them.   

(Just as a writer’s note: I worked my ass off in college and sincerely deserved those Oreo dinners. I’m just saying I probably could have found opportunities that didn’t lead to that being a weekly ritual).  

But as I said before, job hunting is just as daunting for older generations. They have so many more professional experiences to sort through and have to hope that they featured the right ones on this sheet of paper that will more than likely just end up in a pile of papers of buried deep in an email box just waiting to be graced by a potential employers eyes. Essentially, young or old… job hunting is one sure fire say to send you into a life crisis (quarter life or midlife respectively).  

I usually try to leave some sort of advice in my blogs but to be completely honest, I am fresh out when it comes to this topic. But what I do hope to gain from this post is that maybe it will land on the laptop of another stressed out, Mid 20-something young professional experiencing the same struggle I am currently facing so that I can tell them… YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Sometimes just knowing that other people in the world find the process of searching for employment absolutely repulsing makes you feel a little less bad about your own job search and for feeling that way yourself.

  So to whoever reading this that feels it applies to their current situation… I wish you the best of luck in your job hunting expedition. May you find a job full of fun co-workers, decent salary, good benefits and plenty of vacations days. But when you do, do me a favor and send it my way.


2 Comments

Lilapsophobia at its finest.

6/16/2015

1 Comment

 
Hey blog fans,

Just wanted to update Exploring 24 with a mid- work day post. Right now my team and I are sitting in the middle of a parking lot at a FEMA Mobile registration center in San Marcos, TX as Hurricane Bill proceeds to make landfall. Upon arriving to work this morning, the first thing we were shown was the building we should run to in the event of severe lightening or tornados (no biggie right?) 5 hours later and here we sit with the rain pounding down on our tents, jackets and sometimes even our computers. As the day continues I can’t help but think about one overriding factor that I probably should have considered a little more when I dedicated a year of my life to emergency management. It is a fact about me that only a few really know the severity of. Something that I have been trying to get a grasp on for years but have never really been that great at.

Fact: I have an overwhelming, almost paralyzing fear of bad weather.

Yes, I know that it’s silly. Especially considering that my ultimate weather fear is tornados and I live in Philadelphia where that almost never happens. I know that I am a grown woman and should stop acting like a baby every time I hear the weather report. But I am not ashamed that anytime I hear thunder, deep down I kind of just want to go sleep in my mom’s room like I am 5. I like to think that I have found the reason for my fear. I genuinely think it boils down to my never ending control issues. I wouldn’t in any way say that I am a “control freak” but I at least like to know about or have some say in whatever is going on around me.

But weather doesn’t work like that. If Mother Nature wants rain, she’s getting rain. If she wants 30 degree weather in June, it’s going to happen. If Mother Nature wants to pick up your home and throw it 4 miles down the road… well then you’re just shit out of luck. And to put it nicely, I’m not super down with that. If it were up to me, people would be  able to be like “Hey Mother Nature, I live here. Why are you being such a jerk?”

But unfortunately, that’s not how it works. So here I am, a 24 year old lilapsophobic, someone with an abnormal fear of tornadoes and hurricanes, battening down the hatches as my surrounding areas light up with oranges and reds on every Doppler radar system. I have never felt less in control in my entire life and for some very, very weird reason… I have yet to freak out.

If I were at home I would have already thought about how fast I can clear out our closet under the steps and get my dog in there in the event of a tornado. I would have already considered going to my grandparent’s house so that we are all in the same place when the rescuers inevitably came to get us in rafts. I also probably would have called my best friend who would without a doubt have absolutely no clue that there was even a storm on the way and find myself yelling “WHY THE HELL DON’T YOU EVER WATCH THE NEWS” to which their response would be “Because you’re going to call and tell me about it either way”. This would obviously result in hang up.

But I feel shockingly calm right now. Maybe it is because this time, I am here as one of the “rescuers”. Maybe I think that our big 15 passenger government van is incapable of being lifted off the ground (I don’t actually think that by the way). Or maybe I am finally coming to terms with the fact that there is no sense in freaking out over something I have no control over because of just that… I have no control over it. Whether I want it to or not, these storms are going to happen. All I can do is be prepared, stay informed and hope to God (or whatever higher being you believe in) for the best.

Hopefully I can remember all of these ground breaking things I am posting when I actually see this storm in action later on tonight. Keep checking my Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for more storm updates!

Special Request: Please keep the people of Texas and Oklahoma in your prayers over the next few weeks. The disaster survivors I have spoken to have already gone through so much, maybe Mother Nature really will give them a break if enough people ask for it.

1 Comment

The Ocean's No Place for a Squirrel

6/9/2015

0 Comments

 
So, apparently I am not as good at this blog updating thing as I hoped I would be. However, this time I actually have a good excuse as to why I haven’t had a chance to post. As previously mentioned I am currently part of the program Americorps NCCC Fema Corps and have dedicated 10 months of my life to community service and disaster preparedness/ relief. There have been a lot of ups and downs as you can imagine. Sometimes a lot more downs than ups. But the past week of my Amerilife has without a doubt been one of the most hectic, stressful and emotional week of my entire real life.

My team and I were finishing up our 2 ½ month project with the American Red Cross and just 2 weeks shy of our much needed midyear break. Plane tickets were purchased, vacations were planned…. Hopes were as high as you could possibly imagine. Until our last day working with the ARC Fresno chapter came and everything went awry. After 2, 10 hour days in a hot parking lot in 90 degree weather, spent washing cots and cleaning out ARC shelter trailers, FEMA Corps Team Gold One was hit with a blow we never saw coming. Our team leader informed us that instead of moving on to the next Red Cross chapter, we would be leaving the next morning to head back to our main campus in Sacramento, our team would be getting merged with a new team due to our lack of members and we would be deploying to the Texas Flood disaster in just 4 days. Meaning… we would not be going on break in two weeks as previously planned. And as quickly as my teammates and I locked eyes, is how quickly we all “lost our shit” as we keep calling it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know that this deployment is 100% what I signed up for when I joined a program partnered with FEMA. I want nothing more than to go and help these people that have lost pretty much everything. But saying the timing is less than ideal would be an understatement. I quickly imagined the hole in my bank account that would be left by the $500 plane ticket I would now not be using. I could already hear the disappointment in my grandparents’ voices when I tell them the news resonating in my head. I thought of the much needed time with my mom, sister and friends that I would now not be getting as soon as I had hoped. I’m still pretty convinced that every tear my teammates and I tried to hold in throughout the course of our very challenging first round all came out that afternoon.

So we finished up our work, bid farewell to our amazing Red Cross coworkers and rushed to our hotel to pack up what we thought we had 2 weeks to take care of in just one night. We arrived to campus the next day, met our new teammates and started preparing for the days ahead. Briefings, debriefings, packing, presentations, airline phone calls, van cleanings… the weekend was not going to be fun. But I convinced myself every morning that all I can do it take a deep breath and give it my all. The worst was over, I would tell myself.

But word to the wise, never convince yourself that the worst is COMPLETELY over because you really have no idea what is coming around the corner. On Saturday morning, I was informed that one of my best friends in the entire world decided to end her time with the program. I knew she had been thinking about it for quite some time, but I never really prepared myself for it actually happening. So not only was I going to be missing out on seeing my long lost FEMA Corps friends that have been scattered across the country during our program’s transition period, or going home to see my family, friends, dog etc… I wasn’t even going to have my other half with me to keep me sane during the next unknown number of weeks of chaos. (I know she is reading this and probably getting a little upset so I just want to make it clear that although I hate her for ditching me… I love her and support her decision and will be there for her both inside and outside of the Ameribubble).

So as you can tell, it has been a pretty busy week. I think getting ready to go “save people’s lives”, as one friend keeps telling me, excuses me from a blog post or two. I am actually writing this blog in the back of my new 15 passenger van with my new teammates and one old teammate (that I could not live without at this point) driving across the country to Austin, TX. We are currently driving through Arizona and should arrive in Austin on Thursday. We then will begin 2 weeks of 12 hour days working as Individual Assistants to aid those that have had their homes damaged or completely destroyed by the floods. Pretty heavy, right? Yea, I know.

But as much as the heaviness of the last few weeks has been weighing on my physical and emotional state, I can still genuinely say that I happy with and proud of my decision to stick this program out. I haven’t thought about going home very often, but the amount of nonsense my old team and I had to go through definitely kept the idea in the back of my head. But I was recently reminded that even though things out here haven’t been as amazing as I try to make it look in pictures, I came to this  program for a reason. I came here to make a difference in the lives of others and my own life along with way. I was reminded of how badly these people I am driving to need my help and that if I wasn’t here, I would probably still be sitting in a cubicle that made me hate my life wondering what the rest of the world has to offer me. And even if what I find isn’t exactly what I expected, it is an experience none the less that I will remember and appreciate it for the rest of my life.

I know that there is a pretty solid chance that this year is only going to get more difficult from here. But I also know that I have gone through some really, really terrible times in the past and somehow managed to make it out alive. In the grand scheme of life, this year is nothing. It is ONE YEAR. And at the end of it, I will get to walk away from this year a happier, more mature and over all better person that the person I was when I started it. I may be bumped, bruised and emotionally drained… but better.

I just want to take a second to thank all the people that I have called, texted, and cried to over the last few days. Between my mom, sister, home friends, FEMA friends and many more, I couldn’t have felt more loved and cared about. They have helped take my level of terror over the upcoming weeks from a solid 15 out of 10 back down to at least a 6 or 7. And if you know me even a little bit, that’s a pretty big deal.


Stay tuned for more updates on my latest adventure in NCCC Fema Corps. I really will try to be more diligent about my blog updating.



Look out Texas, here we come.

Picture
0 Comments

Only the Strong Survive... or Die on the Side of a Mountain

5/14/2015

3 Comments

 
First of all I would like to apologize for how sporadically I have been updating this blog. I know when most people think of moving out to California they think of beaches, movie stars, adorable outfits and overall independence. But I have not quiet had the leisure most think of. My usual 63 hour work weeks haven’t left a lot of time for emotional sharing or blog updating.

As I mentioned in the previously, I am currently in the process of completing my 10 month term of service with AmeriCorps NCCC FEMA Corps. (By choice, I am not on parole or part of any disciplinary entity as some people may think when they hear the words “term of service”. Check it out at Serveayear.org)

Since the end of February, approximately 100 others and I have been training and working to aid in either disaster relief or preparedness. We have been working countless hours wearing combat boots and cargo pants, have seen an unexpected amount of Corps mates go home, and dealt with every obstacle from having the crappiest internet service to hotel rooms infested with ants and sleeping on the floor of moldy basements. People that we grew strangely close to in just month’s time have been scattered across the country in cities spanning from Sacramento and Seattle to Atlanta and Philadelphia.

My team, Gold One, has experienced an almost absurd amount of obstacles during the first round of our service year. Going from a team of 8 to a team of 3 in just a few months has definitely taken a toll on the remaining members’ morale. Whether it was for personal or disciplinary reasons, watching your team pretty much evaporate can definitely make you rethink your purpose somewhere. We move locations at least every two weeks… and although that sounds super exciting, it’s really not a lot of fun having to pack all of your stuff into a 15 passenger van 4 times a month. You don’t really get a chance to settle anywhere because the moment you feel comfortable it is time to move again.  

Currently, 3 other grown women and myself are sharing one hotel room that is actually meant for 3 people. (We know this by the amount of towels, toiletries, chairs… all signs point to the room being too small.) We have all pretty much come to the conclusion that as much as we all love and care about each other, having 4 girls in a room for an entire month is pretty much lethal. One mirror, 2 beds, minimal outlets for hair appliances. Like I said… lethal.

But with the many ill-fated situations my team and I have found ourselves in, there is one thing I can say we have gained that out weights all of our misfortune. And that thing is resilience. While cleaning out our van earlier this morning we came across our “Team Charter” that we made and signed almost 3 months ago during our training period. We stood there in disbelief staring at all the rules and standards we had set for ourselves, along with the signatures of all our former teammates. And although we all couldn’t help but experience an overwhelming feeling of defeat, I couldn’t help but feel a surprising amount of pride. Our situation may not have turned out the way we all wanted when we came out to California. But we followed our team charter to the best of our ability. We have given 100% effort, we have supported each other during dark times, we have been through it all. We have held ourselves and each other to a standard set by those that couldn’t even hold it themselves.

One of the points mentioned in our team charter was “taking things with a grain of salt”. Taking things for what they are, good or bad. And I can genuinely say that the 3 women I am now living with have pretty much mastered the art of taking something with a grain of salt. Today while moving hotels, we drove through some of the steepest mountains in California, with no guard rails, while a bike race was under way, in the pouring rain. That’s right, California is in a crippling drought, and the day we have the most dangerous drive, the skies open up. And why the road wasn’t closed for the bike race, we will never know. As one biker decided to daringly pass our oversized vehicle, we realized that most people would have seen the situation as the pathway to instant death. Most people would have coward at the thought of the adventure we were embarking on. And although we too figured we were about to face our certain demise, I don’t think I have ever laughed harder in my entire life.

Somehow the idea of rolling off the side of a mountain in a 15 passenger suddenly seemed equivalent to waking up in a new Bugatti. Because we have already dealt with so much crap in the past few months that taking this situation with a grain of salt was the only way we were going to make it out alive… literally.

With all the things that have gone wrong, I genuinely think I have seen it bring out the best in the people around me. (Sometimes the worst, but we can’t all keep it together all the time). So as we tackle this new obstacle of our less than ideal living conditions, we just have to think of these hotel rooms as a rainy, biker filled mountain that could lead to our untimely deaths. If we don’t take everything with a grain of salt, we might not make it out alive from here either!

Our team charter may have felt like it was all for nothing today but in reality it still is everything. It may not have kept everyone together but it kept together those willing to follow it. And if we keep building our resilience, giving 100%, supporting each other and finding humor in even the scariest things, I know that we can make it to the end of this program.

And on that note, I’m going to end this entry with another song. (I try my best to keep this thing entertaining.)

With all the time we spend together driving around; we have acquired a lot of “team songs”. But more than usual, I think this song really applies. This one goes out to you Gold One… my warriors!

3 Comments

When the Tiniest Turd makes the Biggest Mess

4/28/2015

1 Comment

 
PictureIn her own words: "Besties for life!"
I was trying to think of a funny, clever way to start off this latest blog entry. But the truth is, the following event is funny enough that it really doesn’t need an introduction.

After a long, hard day filled with phone calls, paper work and car washes, my team and I decided to find a new, ideal spot for our daily physical training. And for once we were successful. We wandered down across the cliffs and sand of Shoreline Park in Santa Barbara, CA and enjoyed the much needed fresh air.

My teammate Alexis and I decided to do some ab workouts on this gorgeous field overlooking the Pacific Ocean. And we were just starting to really get into our “ab pyramid” exercise we had found on Pinterest when was I was overcome by an unfortunate scent.

“Is it just me, or does it smell like serious dog poop?”  I said to Alexis.

Figuring that it was just me, we continue through our crunches. When we finish our reps I insist that the area we were in smelled terribly. When I came to the realization that it wasn’t the area that smelled… it was me.

That’s right. I didn’t just step in dog poop. I LAID in dog poop.

It was on my neck, my shoulder, in my hair… everywhere. I then proceeded to take off my shit covered shirt and, with the help of my fabulous friend, used the untainted parts to remove the remaining fecal matter from myself.  Alexis and I had to make the decision of telling this tale to everyone we ever came in contact with or to take it to our graves. Again, my friend truly is fabulous as most people I know probably would have tweeted or texted about it before I even had time to assess the situation. And as you can tell by this entry, I went with the first option.

After tossing my shirt into the trash and zipping my hoodie up as far as it could go I immediately called my sister to share my stool filled story.

“I don’t even know how I managed to do that,” I said to her. “It was like the littlest turd managed to make the biggest mess.”
“But isn't that the way life goes, Katie?”

And in my opinion, truer words have never been spoken.

Now I hope you realize that I don’t mean literally. But everyone has found themselves in situations where even the tiniest little “turd” ended up being an absolutely catastrophic disaster.

Maybe was a little white lie that you thought you would never have to deal with again. Until you find yourself carrying the same lie years later as it is now the basis of a relationship/ friendship/ reputation.

Maybe it was skipping “just one class” and you wind up missing the most important material before your upcoming final and end up failing the class or permanently destroying your GPA.

You get the point. So how are we supposed to deal with these situations that the universe somehow manages to blow completely out of control?

First of all, you need to do your best to see (or smell in my case) the warning signs as to when you’re getting yourself in too deep. For example, if I had stopped doing my crunches as soon as I thought I smelled dog poop, I probably wouldn't have ended up standing in the middle of a park in my sports bra being wiped down like a new born baby. If you think you are nearing the point of no return in your particular situation, it’s time to stop doing crunches.

Next, you need make an escape plan. The longer you stay in the turd, the messier it is going to get. Trust me. Try to find a way to eradicate yourself from the situation. Come clean about the lie, get back on track as hard you can with your grades. As hard as it will be to admit that you let what seemed like simply mistake spiral out of your control, it will be a whole lot easier than continuing on with what you have created. It will also be a whole easier than dealing with the aftermath of not coming clean sooner rather than “too later”.

And finally, you just have to laugh. When your life seems to be escalating to a new level of chaos and you can’t seem to get a grip on anything, it doesn't hurt to laugh at the shit that is surrounding you.  Laugh at the thoughts of the “shoulda, coulda, woulda”s because the truth is that all the dwelling isn't going to make those thoughts go away. You can’t go back and fix all the “shoulda, coulda, woulda”s because whether you like it or not, you are where you are. You made a mistake, it got out of control and now you have to deal with it. But laughing a little bit during the process at least helps you see the light at the end of the tunnel, or in my case, the shower waiting for me back at my hotel. Don’t be afraid to share your situation with others, write it in a journal or even post it on your blog. Because you’re not the only one out there that is dealing with whatever you’re dealing with. And if you can’t find some humor in it, odds are someone else out there will be able to lend a hand. It may not seem like it but there really is a bright side of everything. There really is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is barely visible. Laughter will only help make that light a little bit brighter.

And if you really have nothing to laugh at, just think about that girl whose blog you just read, laying in a pile of poop.

For your enjoyment, I have attached the following compilation of one my favorite jokes from one of my favorite shows to convey to you exactly how I felt earlier today. And how I’m sure we have all felt at one time or another. 


1 Comment

The Art of Trusting Strangers

4/24/2015

1 Comment

 
As some of you may know, about 2 months ago I traded my monotonous East Coast life for the adventure of a lifetime in California with Americorps NCCC, FEMA Corps. I bid farewell to my mom, sister, grandparents and friends knowing full well that my way of life would be forever changed upon boarding a plane to what I saw as freedom. I knew that when I eventually went home things wouldn’t be the same. And although the thought of that scared me more than most things I have ever encountered only one thought scared me even more. I wouldn’t be the same either.

Before heading out to the Golden Coast, I had lunch with a very new, but very dear friend of mine. After only knowing each other a few months, from serving beers at basketball games together, she ended up being one of the biggest supporters of my upcoming adventure and lent me some knowledge she picked up during her tour in the military.

(Note: I in no way can compare my time in AmeriCorps to her time in the Army. It is in no way the same thing. So I appreciate this advice and admire this friend even more for even granting me a comparison.)

Anyway, she told me that the hardest part of my trip is going to be realizing that there is a good chance some of the people I am leaving behind may not be there when I get back. My relationships with people I love and care about the most may either be completely different or even nonexistent. And within the first two months of my trip, I have learned that my friend was painfully correct.

It is amazing what watching your life change from 3,000 miles away can do to a person. Feelings of resentment, anger and disappointment swirl around the realization that people you thought you relied on so strongly could just move on so quickly without you. The confusion of how relationships you were staking everything on could essentially evaporate right before your eyes. But what is even more confusing… is the feeling of relief.

It is one thing to feel sad about the end of a relationship. It is natural to miss the better days filled with endless, stupid jokes that no one would find funny but you.  It is normal to think about all the times you just wanted to be factored into someone’s life in even the slightest way and thinking that one day everything would turn out right. But what isn’t super normal, at least for me anyway, is coming to terms that those better days have long passed and the life you hoped for is never going to happen.

Within the last few years I have found myself feeling lost in so many relationships that I couldn't even find me anymore. I was always trying to make everyone else happy that I forgot what actually made me happy. Even the simplest decisions, including everything from “Should I watch another episode without them?” to “How much shit will they talk if I dye my hair this color?” ate away at my every fiber until I pretty much had nothing left. I even avoided suggesting music choices during car rides, pre games or whatever out of fear that the thing that made me feel the most like myself would be rejected. Yet I held on to these relationships so hard because I felt that if they were gone, I really would have nothing. I would be nothing.

I can’t say that I don’t feel that way from time to time, even as I see these relationships fade off into the distance. Even getting an ear piercing last week felt like I was deciding on buying a 5 bedroom home without the approval of those I usually seek it from. But knowing that I have the chance to think and feel for myself, for the first time in a long time, was worth the sappy feelings that came with it.

So what happens when you find out the people you thought you could entrust your entire being to turn out to not be so trustworthy after all?  You learn the art of trusting strangers.

I know that at our age the idea of making new friends seems either pointless or just downright impossible. Making friends isn’t like it used to be. I met one of my best friends on earth on the first day of kindergarten because we realized that we both liked Blue’s Clues. But at 24, it isn’t so simple. Everyone has such hidden inhibitions or such deep seeded trust issues that they become an entirely different person just so they can fit the criteria of what they think other people want. This may not be the case for all, but I know my own life is filled with such cynicism that a simple smile can be taken as “why the hell did she just smile at me?”

But the truth is that without letting yourself trust some of the strangers that come into your life, you may never get to feel what the true meaning of trust is. And on the first day of my new life in Americorps, I realized I had to make a choice. I could stay the same scared and desperate person I had turned into. Or I could take a deep breath, and trust these strangers that were coming into my life.

I thankfully made the right choice because within the past 2 months I have met strangers that I don’t deserve to have in my life. These strangers have helped me remember what it even feels like to be Kate Schwartz. They reminded me of qualities I had completely forgotten I had. I don’t want to speak for these strangers, but it seems that each of our own personal broken lives have somehow become the missing pieces we all needed. If I hadn’t decided to be more trusting of the strangers around me I wouldn’t have the previously mentioned ear piercing. I wouldn’t currently be sitting in a hotel room trying to fish out the broken nacho pieces a stranger and I had spilled into our laundry. If I hadn’t learned to be more trusting, I would never have met the person that inspired this blog entry. I would still be the scared and desperate person I slowly grew to hate. The person I couldn’t even stand to look at in the mirror.

So within such a short time I have already come to terms with some of the biggest fears I had about moving away from home. The people I left behind are different. They have moved on to new lives, new cities and new opportunities. But I am not the same either. And I am, for the first time in a while, not disgusted with the person I am. It is hard to believe I was afraid of what ended up bringing me such peace.

Now I realize that being more trusting does not always result in the life I am currently leading. Being more trusting can also lead to a lot of misguided decisions and what feels like a lot of unfulfilled futures. But you will never even be able to imagine what a fulfilled future looks like if it is filled with people that turn you into a person you can’t stand the sight of. Just because you’re a grown up doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there you can find a connection with and start fresh with. You don’t have to settle with the thought of eternal unhappiness just because you are afraid of what you may encounter on the road to true happiness. Trust truly is an art. And I hope that with this coming of age, I will learn to leave behind those impeding the future that really is meant to be. And that this art of trust is an art I will come to master. 


Shout out to Ms. Kelsey Paton for reminding me how much I like this song and how fitting it is for this entry. 
1 Comment
<<Previous

    Archives

    April 2016
    February 2016
    October 2015
    September 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015

    Twitter & Instagram

    @kaathysue
    Picture
Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.